Jump start dating in 2014
Valentine’s Day has come and gone and love is in the air…for some! I’ve been on both sides of the fence when it comes to dating and relationships so I know how hard it can be. I’ve been single for many years at a time (without a date!) and married. I’ve been in an abusive and dysfunctional relationship which took years to heal from and presently I am in an absolutely healthy, heavenly and positive relationship. I can only write this on a women perspective but I feel it applies to both sexes. It’s a fact; many people are looking for love and can go years or sadly a life time without finding that special someone. Some have mastered the “rules to the game” and know how to position themselves for love to find them. Others are making the same mistakes over and over, year after year and wondering why they are still alone or continuously dealing with”losers.” There are four categories of “daters” I would like to talk about. If you are in one or more of these categories, then it’s time to for a change.
“The list, “The Material Person, “The Home Invader, “The Baggage Carrier.”
1) The “perfect person” list – The perfect person list, has all of wants and likes their perfect person must have before you’ll consider a relationship. Most people have dreamed about this perfect person since childhood. Tall, dark and handsome seems like the most common on the list. Tall, muscular, perfect teeth, no children, never been married, perfect manners, protector, never gets angry and cries with you while watching a love story, I’m sure are at the top of the list for some. One thing to remember, no one is perfect including “you!” No one has every single item on your list and if there was a perfect person in existence, well would that person want you? Stop daydreaming and be practical. Judging a person based on your silly list could be the reason you have not had a “second date” in a while. First, I believe a man should find the woman but that’s another story.
Look for someone who compliments you and makes you want to be a better person. Look at the persons strengths instead of focusing on all of the weaknesses, unless those weaknesses are harmful to you and the person (drug addict, drinks too much, potty mouth, abusive, etc.). Seek out a person who is a good communicator or at least willing to listen. Communication is the key to a good relationship, so test the waters and see how you can relate to the person verbally. Remember some people are shy, so engage in a conversation by listening to what the person has to say and make them feel relaxed. Look for signs that show the person is caring and has positive future goals. Don’t “nit pick” at every move they make. Remember the person is not perfect and neither are you. Be realistic and honest with yourself and if there are things about the person you just can’t live with or just annoys you, it’s OK to, “keep it moving!”
2) The Material Person– First Side – The Material Person seeks a relationship for worldly processions and financial gain. “It’s all about me, me, me!” Riches come and go, people are young then they are old. Let’s face it; fancy cars, homes and buying this year’s Chanel bag are in one minute and out of style the next. Don’t get me wrong, we all like to have nice things but at what cost. Work hard and save to buy your own treasures. There’s nothing more gratifying than to pull out the “coins” you’ve earned to buy yourself and little something now and then. Using people to gain material possessions shows your lack of maturity, confidence and moral stability. No one likes to be used and there is no exceptions to this rule, eventually the person being used will leave. Remember “what goes around comes around.” If a person of interest would like to buy you gifts just because then accepted it with humility and reciprocate when that person least expects it. People in general love people who are confident, independent and can handle their business but they also like to see some vulnerability, caring and appreciation. Having your hand out all of the time can become annoying and is a guarantee you will be alone eventually. Second Side – you have a person who thinks they can keep someone by buying and supplying the material things. Ladies, I’m talking to you…Don’t try to buy someone affection. You will lose respect from the them eventually. Men love the chase and if you’re buying everything for him, he’ll lose interest and if he is a “player” he’ll use you for the financial goodies and take his heart somewhere else. Don’t set yourself up for a landslide of heartaches. Offer but do so in moderation.
3) The home invader– The home invaders are people who seek out those who are already in a committed relationship. They don’t mind being the “other woman, jump off, mistress, etc.,” just to be noticed or to gain some financial benefit. The home invader mistakenly feel that they are in charge or better than the significant other. Yes, it takes two to tangle and if a man decides to stray then he was never yours to begin with. I am asking sisters and brothers to do us all a favor and end this behavior once and for all. Once you find out a person is taken, let your moral obligation take over and “keep it moving!” No one has the right to try to break up a relationship to satisfy their selfish needs. If women and men would stop this behavior of cheating and messing around, breaking up family and destroying lives, I truly believe the family unit will grow stronger and have a positive effect on our future generation.
Low self-esteem, issues with morals, a feeling of emptiness and other mental issues could be some of the reasons people cheat. I also think desperation; a fear of being alone and being impatient plays a major part as well. You should love yourself and know you deserve a monogamist, healthy relationship and in time you will find it or it will find you. By loving yourself you will have compassion to love and care about others. Remember, if that person can easily stray and come to you, then they can easily stray with others as well.
4) The baggage courier – The baggage courier are people who carry their past hurts, negative experiences and issues with themselves to every dating scenario or relationship. “Everybody plays the fool,” so the song says. If you live long enough and have relationships along the way then you’re destined to have one or two that will affect you in a negative way. Just keep in mind; those negative events do not have to destroy your life and stop you from having a good healthy relationship. It is very important after a break-up to take the time to heal, learn and reflect. Trying to get into a relationship too soon not only can hurt you and deepen your wounds but can possibly hurt the other person. If you find you are constantly running into the same type of person and having the same type of relationships, it may be time to do some soul searching and “self” house cleaning. I’ve heard this saying and I believe it’s true…”you attract what you put out!” In other words, you attract people based on what you perceive about yourself. Be honest with yourself and dig deep into your soul to find out why you are attracted to people who do you harm, cheat on you, etc. “Are you allowing those people to treat you badly and are you part of the problem?” I would highly recommend seeking professional counseling to help you start your healing process or talking to close friends without having a “bashing” session can help with the healing process too.
Bringing your baggage from a prior relationship is almost a guaranteed recipe for a relationship failure. No one wants to be compared with a past ex to any degree. Each relationship should start off as a clean slate with positive expectations. Turn your negative experiences to a positive one. Learn from each relationship to help you grow in the next relationship or dating scenario. Bringing mistrust and other negative vibes to your “first date” will guarantee you will not have a second one with that person. Trying to ask what you call “the right questions,” so that you can have an “AHA,” moment can possibly cause you to miss out on ‘Mr. Right” and another dating opportunity. If you “nit-pick” enough, I am sure you will find something wrong with the person because no one is perfect. At the end of the day, the choice is up to you to clean up your act and press forward with a positive outlook or stay in the past and be miserable.
Tips for dating –
1) Relax, be positive and know how to enjoy life in the dating scene. Talking on the phone, emailing or texting are good starting point in getting to know someone but I’m old school and believe “face to face” meetings are a must to really get to know a person. When you eventually meet and go out on a date, relax and be yourself. Trying to fake it because you think this is what the other person wants to hear or see will backfire on you eventually. I say this because the true person (you) eventually comes out in all of us.
2) Keep eye contact. This shows the person you are truly interested in them and what they have to say. Talk about interesting subjects, like the latest world events or a favorite book you have just read. Stimulating conversation can go a long way on a date. Please do not dominate the conversation by complaining, talking about yourself and all of your past relationships. You want to keep the person interest, not bore them to death. And as the person is speaking, do not cut them off. This can be interpreted that you are an impatient person or that you only care about what you have to say.
3) “First impressions are lasting impressions.” Always go on a date looking your best. Take a trip to the salon to get your hair fixed, nails groomed and put on an outfit that compliments you. Visual stimulation is just as important as verbal. If a person likes what they see, it is more likely they will be interested in getting to know you better.
4) “Let and man be a man.” Ladies, it’s a good thing when a man opens the door for you and pays for the day or night out. Be considerate when he is being a gentleman, “don’t order everything on the menu.”,
5) Don’t try to force the” first date” to be an instant relationship. Enjoy the moment and take baby steps. Telling a person you’re looking for marriage material or someone to have children with can scare them off. The other person may want the same things as well but trying to shove your plans down someone’s throat on the first date can come off odd and believe me, the person will have their guard up for the rest of the date. Your first date is to see if the person can be a good friend to you. Then as time allows, get to know the person and then decide if this would make for a good relationship. Being “friends first,” is the key!
6) Lastly, be honest with yourself and the person you’re dating. If you did not feel or feeling that love connection with that person, be an adult and be kind, courteous, and honest without hurting the person feelings or ego. Giving the person false hopes for a second or third date, telling lies about how the date or dates are going or not answering the phone when the person calls is just plain cruel. Before you make a decision, keep in mind, the person may have just been nervous on the first encounter. It happens to all of us. Happy Dating!
TeezDD
